Painted Pictures and Symbolic Meanings

As I sit out side under the stars at night my life is on loop on a continuous slide show.

Laying down in tears with so much hate in my heart I could never really express it and I always ask why though? 

I thought I let it go all when I prayed for God to take it away yet it always comes back and it's stronger than before.

Did he really take it away or did I put it in the back of my mind in hopes that I wouldn't think of it anymore? 

Why does the world spin round, why is the sky so high, why does the moon change shapes l, why couldn't I fall asleep to a lullaby?

Why does my mind not work too well with my heart, why does the sun in the day make night seem so dark? 

How does my writing somehow express how the way I feel but when I try to say it out loud none of it sounds real?

Where do the feelings go once you've let them loose? How to we determine the feelings of lie and the feelings that are true? 

Where does it all come from; the feelings that we feel. Does it somehow make its way into our mind?

If it does, who puts it there and why does our brain somehow make a tragic event and then have the audacity to press rewind? 

When life is good your mind plays games. When life is bad your heart drives you insane. 

Only when times are bad does your heart and mind work together.

I swear they both girls cause these feelings seem to dog on whoever whenever.

Sometimes I overthink because my mind plays its tricks. 

Sometimes I picture a fire and someone keeps adding propane to it.

It's fuel to the fire to make it even bigger, which is what your brain and heart are doing to you; to me too.

I'll never understand life and it's games I guess I'll just have to keep painting a nice picture to 

leave in the frame.

Picture a beautiful scenery at night with a million stars but no one knows that the artist labeled everything different than what they really are. 

Also picture a swing hanging down from a beautiful tree with names carved in the trunk followed by "happy as can be"

Nice green grass under a bright shining moon with a little baby sitting in her house looking out the window of her room. 

The house is on the left with a chimney on the top tell me now what are you thinking of? 

You see a beautiful picture that seems so calming and free, but you don't know the story behind the painting or the author who is me. 

You think it's so peaceful and calming at that, but never would think that I'm suffering in the back. 

I'm the girl in the window looking up at the sky. The girl that's looking at the lake and asking herself why. 

The stars are the feelings that somehow got out and the lake is the reflection of what people think I'm talking about. 

The tree represents strength and love and memories for I'm rooted in the ground but I hold dear what's dear to me. 

The carvings are the hopes that the best is yet to come and the swing set is symbolic for the best and worst is yet to come. 

Some pictures may be beautiful but hold the most powerful, hurtful meanings. 

When you see me face to face you would never think this to be my story. 

So when you see me again after this, it will just be another memory. 

Eyes Outside the Projects

As I take a look around me everything is black and blue. I just lost another homie now I don't know what to do.

Life's always been a gamble but now our boys are dying off. How long before they start changing or til they say it's enough? 

It ain't never easy being caught up in this life. They think we do it for fun or for the amount of rush and hype. 

We do it cause it's a lifestyle for some it's all they know. You either barley make it out alive or you don't make it out at all. 

The boys are from the projects better known as the ghetto. But people on the outside call it the hood cause they don't know. 

The hood isn't a place it's a label to society. Like when you see and African American you give him the word "black" as form of his identity. 

People call it as they see it I guess they quick to judge. But what happened to the thought of "world peace" man? Where's the love? 

The gap between high and low class is growing rapidly. Soon before you know it they'll be no middle class minority. 

Back to what I was saying, this world is going down. It's not even safe to walk alone in broad daylight in your own fucking town. 

How sad is that bullshit. You ain't even safe at home. People are getting driven out by these misplaced labels because they didn't know where it goes. 

Society places labels on things that aren't fit in their community. They lied and called the hood a monster so now people fear cluelessly. 

Those living in the projects are not monsters at all. They just aren't fit to code with the society so now everyone living there takes the fall.

How could someone label a group of people based upon the money that they make? The last time I checked it was the rich people who put out the checks that were fake. 

That's none of my business but this world is so corrupt. The rich keep getting richer it's like what they got ain't ever enough.

When the rich keep getting richer you already know the other half. The poor be getting poorer and struggling to make their money last. 

This world is getting ugly. It was almost to bad to be true. What made it worst was the government when they said "all changes start with you".

That's a bunch of bullshit cause the people ain't got no voice! We put their snakey asses in office yet it's like they make their own choice! 

They don't listen to the people, they do what's best for them! They throw their money around like legal only to rub it in the faces of their friends.

The snakes are always in charge because their manipulation works the best. And if their sneaky words don't work, they still have money to save their ass. 

All in all, society? It's just a label on a community or group of people. 

But the ones that are placed in charge of the people are the ones of pure evil. 

Watch what they say and who they place the labels on. Because they only label the one that have potential to beat them in the long run.

The projects aren't dangerous. You know everyone in your neighborhood. The ones we should worry about, is the ones really up to no good. 

The snakes with the money, the ones that still aren't satisfied with what they got! They would do anything to kill off everyone in their entire block. 

You might feel safe in a rich neighborhood and feel sketchy in the hood, but I'm way more set and certain that the rich is always up to no good. 

In the hood you see the struggles right there infront your eyes. But in a rich ass society everyone is blinded in their eyes and in their mind. 

They put up a perfect picture and blind you with nice things. Their golden toilets and platnum fountains and clustered diamon rings. 

But what about behind the doors? You have drug dealers and over doses. Prostitution and trafficking and the biggest ever sinthicates. 

Being rich looks fun cause all the bad is behind closed doors. But in the hood it's the opposite it's right outside in the yard.

The happiness in the ghetto is behind the doors of a home. A place any thug or gangsta would feel safe to be alone! 

Their home is a place of sanctuary a place they run away from the evils of the world. But then again if you ask me, you're hearing it all from a little girl.

This little girl sees the things that the rest of the world fails to acknowledge. She sees the way you've placed the poor in this day in ages style of bondage. 

I'll settle for nothing other than what I claim to know is mine. And I'll fight til the day I die and run all out of time. 

They always say we can't make it if we decide the come out of the ghetto. But majority of the people who made it, only made it because of their dough. 

If they had to start from scratch like those where I'm from? They probably would have given up before the hard stuff even begun. 

Life is so unfair and cruel in many ways, but the difference between the projects and the rich? Is that we'll fight to find and even create a way. 

Don't get my words twisted, not all rich or poor are the same. It's just that group giving us the labels are the ones changing the game.

Watch who you put in power and watch closely at the actions of your friends. Cause in the end they could be the ones killing you and bringing you to your end. 

The ghetto ain't the problem in a society or community. It's the way the media makes it seem to be that covers up the identities. 

We're forced to see what the papers wants us to see and we're blinded by the truth. So be careful what you listen to, especially when they're speaking on behalf of you. 

Broke Niggas and Their "Build a Bitch" Wishes

They say mama "where you goin" I say "boy I'm goin on my way" 

He hit me with "baby please don't leave me. Just come back home and stay"

I be like "boy I ain't yo mama" he say "come on girl fo' me?!" 

So I hit um with the eye roll, walkin' away sayin "Nigga please".

They always call me mama cause I got just what they need. I got just what they want a stable home and food to eat. 

But when it's time to wife yo girl they simply ain't got shit to say. So nigga you know what? Take your shit and be on your way. 

I ain't fuccin with no bitch nigga who can't make up his mind. I ain't tryna cuff a busta who just down to waste my time!

Like if you wanna play my nigga aye that's cool with me. Just remember who you fuckin with cause I'm the queen bee.

Don't try to play me like yo baby mama or fuck me over like yo bitch. Don't forget about my qualities nigga I'm the best there is.

Yeah you can get a good one if you looking in the right place. But the way you runnin around nigga you bout to lose the race. 

First off, You ain't got a job and you ain't got no wip. Talking bout I can take you places nigga who you tryna kid? 

The amount of cash you got couldn't even pay for Mc'y D's. You ain't even know of dolla bills nigga you roll with coins and pennies. 

Don't even come at me with bullshit like you can help me build my kingdom. You should be working on yourself, that's gone make me wanna keep you. 

I'm sick and tired of all that chatter like you a king with all these riches. Like naw nigga you a broke ass, with all these thirsty bitches. 

I ain't tryna cuff a nigga with more baggage than he can carry cause the way I got my shit wrapped, up im that bitch you'd wanna marry. 

So before you proceed to check out make sure you can afford this. But if you can't afford the whole, cross my ass right off the list. 

PERCEPTION

Instead of writing post about a life lesson, I chose to pick a quote and write about it. So today's inspirational quote, is about perception. Sometimes things are not what they seem. Like the picture below. The left side of the picture is fierce lion. Loyal to their pack and quick to jump on things when they need to take action. But on the right side of the picture, there's a rat. In today's day in age, a rat is symbolic to a snitch, someone who squeals on someone else. In other words, a traitor. A rat is someone who turns on their pact no matter what the situation is. To break it down even more, today's lesson is to check your insiders if you're wondering how other people know your business; because the lions you think you're rolling with, could be a rat in disguise. 

WHAT IF?

Life can either be one  of two ways. It can be full of regrets or a bunch of "what if" thoughts. What ever way it swings, it always leaves the mind to wonder.

People often wonder what certain events would be like if they had only done it a different way or made a different choice.This is usually the positive state of the matter. This is the "what if" stage. The part that kind or has regrets but is mainly curious about what would have happened differently if they had only made a small change in their routine. 

The other group of people, are the ones that have the regretful feeling. Kind of like me. The regret or the "if only" and the "should have", "could have", "would have" mindset. This concept is not fun to experience. It's the one thing that most adults carry with them throughout their entire lives.

Personally speaking, I am a regretful person. It's not much that I regret what I've cone, but more i regret what I did not do, the risks that I did not take. Having strict , over protective parents, made me fear losing their trust and respect if I was to ever do something that would cross their lines. Not trying to say I'm a "mommy's girl" or a "daddy's girl" but more that I don't want to disappoint my parents. Having the feeling of being disappointed, is almost as painful as being heart broken.

As I grew older and hit the end of my sophomore year in high school, I began to realize that I won't have the privilege to re-live my high school life once it's gone. Unlike most high school students who go out to drink or party or smoke or cause mischief, I was one of those kids who would sneak out of the house just to talk stories and bump to some music in the parking lot with a few close friends and talk about life and our problems. For me, it was my safe place. I was never one to really party or get caught up in places where illegal activity was in action, but I was always one to look for a good time. My good time was just being around people with good vibes, good music, and some food. Get me in that, and I'm bound for one hell of a time. But to my parents, because I wasn't "old enough to make good judgement", I had to sneak out of the house at night, just to go to the park that was right across the street from my house, only to talk stories with a few friends and have a good time. No drinking, no drugs, no sex, no violence. Just a bunch of teenagers looking for good company. I know it's hard to believe, but there are still a lot of teenagers out there who enjoy simple things like this. 

Going back to the regrets and the "what if" thoughts, it haunts me to think about the things that could have been if i only disobeyed my parents and hung out with my friends. What would have happened the night my cousin passed away if I was only there to stop him from walking out in the streets? What would have happened if I was that one person to stop him from walking out? Would he still be alive today? Would he have lived to see his little brothers and sisters grow up? What would have happened if I was there to calm him down? Considering I was the only one who could really bring him off of his rage, brought me sick to my stomach once I heard the news that he was gone. This situation is the heaviest on my heart and mind just to think that I could have possibly been there to save his life. 

Just like my recant post, this one is all over the place with the thoughts and logic, but I really hope the message gets across. Mainly, I just want you to think about the risks that you could be taking. Don't get me wrong, my point in this post is not to convince high school children to go against their parent's will, but it's to do things within reason.

I just want to apologize for being all over the place with my previous posts, but like I've mentioned before, my mind never stops running from the thoughts and ideas that I have floating around in my mind. 

BRANDED

Do you have something from your past that you're just TIED to? Something that you can't get rid of; something that has such a big hold on you, it won't let you go; it holds you hostage. Some people call it "extra baggage" or a "heavy load". To brand something, means to give it a label or a trade mark. So to "brand yourself" means to give your self a reason to stand for something or someone. It's like how cattle have that stamp on their butts; the thing known to us as being "branded".  I guess what I'm trying to say, is we all have something that holds us back from living our lives to the fullest, and that "thing" is what brands us.

The way we do things have something to do with the way we learned to do other things. For some people, they learned how to cook because their parents taught them how to use a stove. Others learned how to cook because no one else was home to make it for them. With that said, you can already tell a lot by just looking at the way each parties learned how to cook. You could probably draw multiple conclusions about each side and come out with many things as to why they learned to cook the way they did. But in the end, the moral of this story, is to make it clear that we brand ourselves at a certain age.

Grace, how did I brand myself? Well the answer is simple. You branded yourself when you started making decisions on your own. Sometimes life throws us tough, evil choices and situations we don't wish to be in, but that's what it takes for us to really succeed in life. The decisions we make and the trials that we go through in life, is what makes us the individuals we are. You might think I sound a little crazy, but I can assure you I am 100% sane. As I mentioned before, branding is meant to mean something, it's meant to give someone/something a meaning or a label. We as individuals, give ourselves a branding almost every time we make a choice and it all starts at a young age. 

Going back to the two children who learned how to cook. Just by looking at the situations given, you can tell that one of the children had a better seat in life than the other. For what ever reason, one of them had to learn to cook the hard way because his/her parents were not home to feed them. For all we know, that child probably had to learn to do a lot of things on their own because their parents were not around; how to cook, wash the dishes, take out the trash, how to read, how to do laundry, clean the yard, how to look out after themselves. Chances are, this child had a rough childhood because he/she was forces to grow up faster than they should have. As they get older, they get names such as "boring" or "lame" and "no fun", when in reality, they are the ones who are the "go-getters" and the "husband/wife material".

It's funny how one lesson can serve multiple purposes. Like, who would have thought that the learning how to cook would make such a huge opening to create different characteristics for someone. I guess that's what I'm trying to get at. The things we learn and the things we do, leave a mark on us for later. Those marks BRAND us and effect us when we make future decisions because it's almost similar to the things we went through in the past. I know my article is all over the place, but it's because there is so much that I want to say about this subject, but I don't have enough time to say it all. I'll catch more detail on the different topics that I went through for a brief moment, in another blog post, Until then, I leave you with this question; how have you been branded?

WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR?

I have a quick question for all of you today. It can be very vague or very broad; depending on how you look at it. The question I want you to ponder on, is "WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR?" 

Many people reply to this question with "What do you mean?". As did I. I was sitting in my british literature class a few weeks ago, staring off into space and found myself gazing at a poster that read "What do you stand for?". After reading that poster, I thought about what it was that I stand for. Nothing came to mind. I'm not too sure if I was overthinking or if that is a question that is rather very hard to answer off the top of my head. 

As I sat in class, clueless and answerless, I began to look around and ask my class mates the same question. Many of them stared at me with blank faces and others just pushed it aside. So now, I leave this question with you. Hopefully you can ask someone the same question and get an answer. As for me, I'm still thinking about what it is that I stand for. Now, it's your turn. What do you stand for?

What Do You Stand For?